No judgment, no expectations

DAY 2

I have three major goals this year, one of which is practicing yoga on a regular basis. There are several reasons for this, but the main one being that I hold a lot of tension in my back and neck and I have horrible, painful knots pretty much all the time. I have had several massage therapists, doctors, random people advise regular yoga as a way to manage this “medical condition” as my BFF calls it. BFF also officially diagnosed the source of these knots as General Anxiety Disorder (she has no medical training, per se, but I still consider her a main medical source in my life). That is a whole other topic, but until the existence of such a thing was brought to my awareness (by BFF), I truly did not know that there are people out there who don’t worry constantly about everything all the time! (Only three I personally know come to mind – my husband, my sister and a close, dear friend (MPBF).

I looked up several yoga classes at different locations, tried to coordinate with friends, so as to have someone to giggle with when we fell over, but nothing worked out for this week. This morning, I saw the small, local, yoga studio was having a morning class and I thought “Eff it – I’m going – and I can always walk out after 5 minutes.” I then proceeded to do everything possible to miss the class…like run a few errands, diddle around the house, think about all the other things I have to do – the endless “to do” list. Fortunately and unfortunately, I still got there in plenty of time. And it was completely wonderful. It was difficult, for sure, and I found myself thinking more than once “I should’ve just stayed home – this is too hard!” I also particularly almost gave up when the instructor (who is 4 months pregnant) did this awesome, leg-way-up-over-her-head pose. I do not even want to tell you what my imitation of that looked like. But, by the end of the class, my body felt better, more energized and peaceful than it had in a long time. And it is maybe my imagination, but I have felt calmer all day. I’m hooked.

BUT. This does not mean that I will be a regular there every week. THAT is the trap I seem to always fall into. I tour a gym (buy a year membership), try a kickboxing class (buy a 10 class pass), try a yoga class (commit to weekly classes), run one morning with a friend (and agree we should do it 3 times a week), and then I completely avoid it. Isn’t that SO WEIRD? Or am I just lazy? Or do I secretly just want to stay floppy so I can have something to complain about?

I have concluded that I am a complete commitment phobe when it comes to exercise. Buying the pass, getting a membership, working out with a friend is supposed to hold you accountable. It has the complete opposite effect on me. This again brought me back to the 5-minute Every Day rule. My head is spinning with the possibilities! Zumba class! Pole dancing! Lunges! All of these things sound like big fun, as long as I tell myself that I never have to do it again if I don’t want to or for longer than 5 minutes.

Which brings me to my second idea for this project: not planning more than a day ahead. I have no idea what I will do tomorrow, but it can be anything I want, depending on my mood, schedule, whatever.

Let me be clear: I am not expecting to lose weight doing this (but that, of course, would be super). Losing weight is hard and it takes concerted effort. I know – I’ve tried and sometimes won and sometimes lost. My goal is to simply be more active in my daily life and see what happens. Is exercise a habit that must be formed? Is it will power? Is it finding the right mix that is fun for you? And IS IT WORTH IT?

The yoga teacher began class today with asking us to have “no judgement and no expectations” for ourselves. Trying to fully digest what that would mean, I think about how I always seem to be frustrated with myself that I don’t do MORE at all times. In particular when I commit to exercising for a period of time and then don’t see the immediate results I expect. Or is that called having no freakin patience?

I have told a few good friends about this blog. The conversation went universally something like this:

“Hey! Guess what? I started a blog…”

“Wow! That’s great.”

“…about exercise.”

“Oh. About exercise? But you don’t…I mean, yeah, that’s great!”